What's Next?

Often times personal growth and change comes during periods of tremendous turmoil and uncertainty. What seems to be problems are really opportunities in disguise to move in a completely different direction. Sometimes it has to take sickness or the occasional sleepless nights to figure this out.

I'm at an interesting crossroads in my life and in my life as a parent to my 11 year old. I just turned 40 this year, so the opportunities for reflection have been innumerable to count. It's challenging in trying to sort out the possible from the impractical as far as relationships and managing my personal time with my parenting responsibilities.

I managed to raise my son and put myself through college as well do volunteer work, travel, and reconciling my past with the present, as well as overcoming my fears. However, over the past 4 years I got distracted from my personal goals while helping my family care for my grandmother and prepare for her death.

I put one part of myself on auto pilot while other parts of me focused on my friends and family and other obligations. At one point I took a break from school, which was originally supposed to be for a few weeks or so, but then, over time, I allowed other things to come up and I eventually procrastinated going back to school and getting my degree. To date, I think I am only about 3 or 4 classes away from graduating.

But, now that I am 4 years older I find myself with fewer excuses for not moving forward and completing some of my personal goals which I began in 2003. What's stopping me, you ask? Good question! Right now it's so convenient to point to the troubled economy, or my family responsibilities, or health issues as reasons for not moving forward, but, I think that that is only fear talking again.

When I first put myself through college in 2003 I was shy, terribly insecure, and still in the Mary Kay business. I knew absolutely nothing about business, but I was very interested in the idea of working for myself and becoming more independent. I was not good at public speaking either. But, I did have a few things working in my favor: an off-beat sense of humor and very strong writing skills.

Somehow a suggestion from my mother encouraged me to go to college and work on getting a degree in Business Management. I had my son in kindergarten by then, and some time to spare, plus I was a night person, and loved to research and write.

One night a week I went to class and found myself quickly jumping out of my shy, insecure world, and gaining new skills that I did not have before. I overcame my fear of public speaking, and wrote more personal and team papers than I did in high school. I was spontaneous, and became curious as to what the future had to hold for me.

I managed to work 3 elections for the Registrar of Voters in between all of this. I started having major problems from my ex-husband because of all of these changes in my life. He tried with all his might to undermine my new found confidence and new friendships. That did not work. He tried to sweet talk his way back into my life and to get me to go crawling back to him as well. That also did not work. I started exercising on a regular basis and even mentored a fellow college classmate too.

On the one hand, I was still very much insecure and scared by all of these positive changes in my life. I was still recovering from my divorce and dealing with the years of abuse from my ex-husband. Trying to get his voice out of my head was seemingly an impossible task to achieve. But, I tried anyway.

On the other hand, I wanted to keep moving forward and see my goals to completion. But my mind and body began to break down on me more and more. With each personal setback, discouragement and self-doubt began to set in, and more time lapsed between me and school.

I am, I suppose, trying to get back to that person that I was in 2003, fears, anxieties and all. The challenges I face have to do with overcoming my past and finding a fierce determination to reclaim what I had already started.

Some things worked out for me back then, and some things did not. Friends and loved ones have come and gone. But, as my dear grandmother used to say all of the time, "I'm still here!" The question I have to ask is this: What do I do about that? I am still here!